oprah

and, today, some i-have-too-much-time-on-my-hands thoughts on oprah.

i watched the season premiere of oprah. you know, where everyone gets to go australia. whee! what lucky, lucky folks.

and, then, the next day on oprah, wynonna judd! wheee...? she's a great singer, with a hot sister and mom issues and a skeevy ex-husband. which makes for plenty to talk about, but wynonna judd is no trip to australia, my friends.

which got me thinking about oprah's audience. one day, everyone gets a car and a recording contract. the next day, the world's most inspirational dog. really. once there was this dog that only had two legs, and the pound wanted to put the dog down, and a family stepped up and took the dog in and NO ONE IS GOING ON VACATION.

i ask you: does this seem fair?

top chef

i'm currently unemployed (or, "retired," if you will), and instead of socializing with, dating, or in any way relating to my peers, i've been watching a lot of television. in my defense, people on television are generally better looking and better scripted than actual mississippians.

last week was the top chef finale. i love top chef. i especially love when william and i watch entire seasons of top chef while having a mcdonalds picnic, but we are sadly separated by an ocean at present. but i digress.

in my many, many free hours that i spend watching television, i come up with ideas to make it better. so, here's my advice for top chef. the first season was hosted by katie lee joel, then trophy wife of billy joel, who may or may not be a robot. in the second season, she was replaced by padma lakmishi, who was married to salman rushdie.

padma's been the host ever since, but i think the bravo network missed out on a great hook: each season is hosted by some old dude's trophy wife. you could even host for mulitple seasons, as long as you remain trophy-wifed. as soon as you get divorced, sorry, new host.

of course, if you got divorced and traded up, then you could keep your job. like if katie lee joel had become katie lee springsteen.